Red Rover

The “Start-From-the-Beginning” Method: This is the relationship fix one might use within the first hour of meeting someone. This fix is simple to execute, and is helpful for remedying that awful first impression you just made. It’s as simple as hitting a reset button, just tell the other person in the relationship that you’re sorry about spilling orange kool-aid all over their white shirt, talking incessantly about your extensive knife collection, interrupting the start of each of their sentences, forgetting to look them in the eyes, ect. and that you just want to start over. Then begin, “Hello, my name is…” and you’re set to go. Congratulations, you have successfully fixed this relationship. Note that this method is not effective if the relationship spans over an hour in length, and even during this period is generally ineffective. Attempts to use this method outside of this time frame will go woefully wrong. 

The “Sweep-it-Under-the-Rug” Method:This relationship fix is commonly deployed to save a relationship from certain doom, but only temporarily. People with relationships spanning any length use this method to desperately save themselves in a moment. This may be used especially in a public space to derail any ongoing aggression and save face in the public eye. For example: a woman in the middle of a park rants to her boyfriend about how he doesn’t value her opinion. Her voice is getting louder as she rejects his attempts to deny the accusations, and so the man, trying to deter starting a scene, may simply tell the woman what he assumes she wants to hear. (Note that a poor assumption may lead to a heightened state of aggravation) He may also make small concessions with her by apologizing, but the key move in this fix is that the conversation must be deterred from the status of the relationship at all costs. Another, quite different, example of this fix might be this: A two lovers find themselves at a crossroads, and they feel as if they’ve lost something in their time together, the spark that started them off. These two people, though in love, find it painful to talk about the deceleration of their relationship. To avoid the heartbreak they skirt around the issue, mentioning it only if followed by a light hearted comment, or perhaps one member of the relationship steers the conversation away, to the relief of both parties. What is to be remembered about this method is thatit will not solve problems, but only hide them until the next time when the same or a different method will have to be used to banish them once more.

The “Fuck-it-all-I’ve-Had-Enough” Method: This is perhaps the most simple and effective fixes in the “Quick Fix” category. It has the highest rate of success, although it is not without outliers. It is also one of the most final methods, with its % finality a function of the duration of the relationship. ( % finality = 100/(1+1.15^(40-(x+3)^(2.5))), where x is the number of years ) This percentage is essentially the probability that once this fix is applied, it is permanent. Notice the graph evens out at 100 percent at around the 3 year mark, meaning that from year three and beyond, this is almost a 100% permanent move, there is no going back. The gist of this being: use it with extreme caution and deliberation. You had better be sure this is what you want. The forms of executing this method are as numerous and personal as the clouds in the sky. There should be the same general outcome from any tactic. Through whatever action or verbal warning, the relationship is to be cut off - ended. This is a fix only in the sense that there is no other alternative, and either a) all other fixes (both intensive and quick) have been tried and failed, or b) it is no longer worth the effort to attempt any further methods.

A Note on the Quick Fixes:The quick fixes are just that, three easily executed ways to “fix” your relationship. The quick nature of these fixes makes them attractive at first glance, but under further inspection, the consequences of their use prove to be undesirable by anyone interested in a healthy, thriving relationship. It is recommended that these fixes be used with extreme caution, or in the case of the “Sweep-it-Under-the-Rug” method, as a segue into a more complex and fulfilling fix. Thank you for listening!

And l can’t stand it. No one here knows me or gives a damn about me. I know that’s not entirely true, but it feels like that. I just, fall into the background. There’s one person who notices, but he’s got other people to worry about. He’s a good guy. I shouldn’t have left you. I should have cared more. I miss you. And it only adds to the loneliness of exclusion.